- Becca Itkowitz left the US with her husband and two young sons and lived in Denmark for three years.
- The boys especially loved it as their parents and school embraced the non-helicopter culture.
- The family was shocked and disappointed by the children’s pampering when they returned to the US.
This essay is based on a conversation with Becca Itkowitz, 48, of Illinois. She appeared in the new book, “The Danish secret to happy childrenwhich supports Nordic parenting. Her interview with Business Insider has been edited for length and clarity.
A few months after my family returned to our hometown in the US from Denmark, I received a call from the principal of my son Max’s school.
He had made a snowball during recess and was in trouble even though he didn’t throw it at anyone. “It is not allowed because anything you take can become a weapon,” said the director.
They paused, waiting for my reaction. I started laughing because I thought it was a joke. Then I realized it wasn’t. “I’ll talk to Max when he gets home,” I said.
When we talked to him, my then 10-year-old son found it as absurd as I did. “That’s stupid,” he said. “I wouldn’t hurt anyone.”
We agreed that it was ridiculous that you couldn’t even make a snowball or pick up a stick without being disciplined.
The experience contrasted sharply with the way Max had been treated at school – and by us, as his parents – in Denmark, where we had lived for three years between 2014 and 2017.
There, children were actively encouraged to make outdoor shelters out of logs, walk into town, or take public transportation on their own.
Our parenting was quiet when we were in Denmark
They were given a level of freedom that fostered a sense of adventure—a quality that gave them independence and confidence.
When we moved to Denmark because of my husband’s job at Lego, Max was 7 and his brother, Evan, was 5. They would do many things for themselves, such as walked and cycled to places within a safe distance.
At first we were surprised. As Americans, we were programmed to think that the white van would pull up and take our children. But then we retreated into the culture of giving up.
Danish children, who do not start school until age 6, are encouraged not to rely on adults from the start. They almost always go out on vacation, dressed for the weather. They learn to put on and take off raincoats and rain boots and then put them in a locker.
Several times, I would pick Max up from school and find him and his classmates cooking bread over an open fire in the playground. The dough would either be rolled around a stick or baked in circles on hot bricks around the fire.
When Evan was a year old, after our return to Illinois, I hosted a fall bonfire for his friends in my backyard. People thought the boys were going to set the neighborhood on fire. It was a complete 180 from our experience in Denmark, where the kids realized they had to be careful.
The children had fun building forts out of logs in the forest
Danish playgrounds were securely fenced but set up with tunnels, nooks and crannies to allow children to do their own thing away from adults. They were designed to welcome the game.
Max liked his classes because they were creative. Children can take a box of yarn and some fabric and work together to make an outfit. Or they would go out gathering branches to build a fort in the woods near the school.
At his school, lunch was served as a family. The children set the table and helped themselves from a large plate in the middle. They ate various cold cuts and cheeses. There would be a conversation and they would encourage each other to try different foods. Then they would clean up after themselves.
Eight years ago, we returned to the US. Despite the initial shock of the kids having less freedom at school, we love living here. But we are grateful that we had the opportunity to raise our children in Denmark – at least for a while. It has set them on the path to a more independent future.
Do you have an interesting story to share with Business Insider about different parenting and parenting styles outside the US? Please send details to jridley@businessinsider.com